Making the Grade: Writing Papers that Earn an "A" (the C paper -- oh-hum!)

This is part 2 of the series on how to make better grades in writing classes.

The C paper:

College students, my own young friends included, get really angry when they get a C grade. They seem to forget that a C means that the paper they have written, not they themselves, is average.

“What makes a paper average?” you ask.

There are a whole slew of issues which can render a paper “average,” up to having the bad luck of having registered in a class where almost all the writers write better through better word choice, descriptors used, and better grammar and syntax. In comparison to the papers the teacher is reading from every other student, this particular paper just doesn’t jump as high.

 Take a look at this example:

 The movie 30 days of night came out in 2007 and it was shot mostly in Australia. It was a scary movie. It begins with a group of vampires walking into an Alaska village as night falls. They are not nice vampires as compared to those in twilight. I liked twilight better. The vampires walk run though the village killing everyone they meet, dragging them out of their homes, and they kill the dogs and destroy the cell tower so no one can call for help. The vampires can only be killed by being beheaded. An ax works good. The sheriff and his wife are the major characters fighting against the vampire and trying to save the town people.  They rescue a few people and go hide in an oil factory. Almost at the end, when the vampires are going to blow up the whole town, and the people hiding in the factory will be killed in the explosion, the sheriff injects himself with some vampire blood to make himself a vampire.  I thought that was sorta romantic. That he loved his wife enough to become a vampire to save her. Anyway, it ends with the now vampire sheriff fighting the boss vampire and beating him. The vampires just leave. He dies by turning to dust in his wife’s arms as the sun comes. (224 words)

As you will see, this response is much better than the “D” response. It does a lot right. Just not quite the “right” things the instructor is looking for in an “A” or “B” paper. Again, the response grade response is cumulative:

• The paragraph begins by naming the title, just not quite correctly. In the Humanities, the standard is that movie titles are italicized. And the same letters should be capitalized as on the original title. Thus:30 Days of Night
•  It fails to list the director – which is easily findable online, and who doesn’t have access to online resources?
• It is a straight summary of the movie, pretty much. This happened, then this happened, then this happened. There is no independent thought occurring here. While summary might get you though high-school, think about the real world. Would you want a Doctor unable to progress beyond summarizing the symptoms?
• There is no personalization, no angle which interested the student more than any other.
• I might forgive one “I” statement and not knock this attempt back to “D” level, but it certainly would keep it from climbing to a “B” level.
• It provides extraneous information which was not asked for. This reads as page filler not as enthusiasm given the lack of the director name. If the writer was online to discover when and where, why not by who?

As a whole, any one of these parts will not knock the paper back to a “D” grade, but it certainly will keep the instructor from raising it to  a “B” paper. In college, instructors want thought, but they don’t want “I think” said, ever. One says, “It can be argued…” “Some people might read this as…”

(All Rights Reserved. Copyright Leslie Ormandy 2012)

Making the Grade: Writing Papers that Earn an "A" (the D Paper)

Making the Grade: Writing Vampire Papers

Grades. We all work for them, and all want to believe that without any effort on our own part, we will earn high grades in every field we endeavor to enter. Unfortunately, for most of us, it takes practice, practice, practice, AND … work

So what is the hidden code that makes one student paper an “A” paper while the next student paper – for a student who has written from the exact same prompt – garners only the dreaded “C,” and the student learns their work is really only av…er…a ge?

The answer really isn’t effort since a “C” student often works longer and harder than the “A” student. They just haven’t learned, yet, how to write to the instructor’s unwritten expectations. And often, sadly, refuse to actually read the damn texts which would teach them the specific skills they need, and inform them of the specific expectations. Not even if the material was written by the instructor of the course they are in, and can be expected to have relevant samples.

That said (rant ended), what exactly makes one response an A response and another a D response?

Let’s take a look at one of my assignments, worth four points towards a total of 190.

Write a short, think around 200 words – one paragraph -- convincing me you have indeed watched 30 Days of Night.  Be detailed, AND remember to mention director and film title.

Inasmuch as I tell my students exactly what garners an F: they get a list of issues, let’s work upwards from a D response. (Each student response is followed by where it has failed. I have fixed some of the typical grammar issues, and left other common ones.)

 ****

D Student: I watched the movie and I really didn’t like it. it was too dark for me to see what was happening half the time, and my boyfriend kept interrupting me and telling me it was too dark. I dont know why the people in the town didnt just leave, after all, there are roads, arne’t there? And why didn’t they fight back. If a vamire attatcked my house i would fight back. Alaska is cold. I disliked the movie because it was set there. And I really like vampires who are nicer to people and who dont go around trying to kill them. “30 days of night’ is a really terrible film because the vampires are mean. The point where the mean vampire tells the girl that there is no god, made me mad. It made me afraid to slep in the dark. To repeat myself, I really din’t like the movie.

Why is this bad? Can you come up with a list of mistakes? Note that it is a combination of badness that garners a “D” grade.

• It focuses solely on the reader and not at all on the film under discussion.
• The word “I” appears seven times in one-hundred thirty-five words. The word “I” in a college-level response is always problematical. “Why?” you ask. Because we want the focus to be on the item under discussion (and are uninterested in discussing you).  This is one reason why students should not use first person pronouns – in any form – in their formal responses. The viewer, the reader, people, a person, John Doe are all good alternatives which not only tell your instructor you are focusing outside your own reactions, but it forces you to format your response formally. And anything turned into an instructor for a grade: Formal. Dress it for Prom.
• Capitalization is broken in major ways. “I” is always capital – something taught way back when in elementary school. To lower-case it in a formal paper turned in to an instructor goes beyond rude. It is student grade suicide. First lines always begin with a capital letter – again, student grade suicide.
• There is little internal evidence at all that the movie was actually watched.
• dont?  Really? Can’t even see the red-underline and right click to get the correct apostrophe?
• It isn’t long enough – for which this reader would be very, very grateful. Would you want this to go on any longer?
• All too often, a D paper has all sorts of off-topic information. And runs looong.
• The basic sentence structures and punctuations are wonky.

All-together, wouldn’t you be happy this ended? The only reason this garnered a “D” with points instead of an “F” is the one line which does contain one small bit of evidence from inside the film, and unmentioned in most reviews – the “no God” comment.

So that is what the teacher sees when reading the D paper. While most D papers might not be quite so dreadful, a fair amount of what crosses my desk looks like it.

July 4: OR, Just Another Vampire Day (Part 2)

July 4: OR, Just Another Vampire Day

by Leslie Ormandy Copyright 2012 ALL rights reserved.

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This is part 2 of my Fourh of July vampire story. Scroll down a bit -- or hit this link: http://sweetgothvampires.blogspot.com/2014/06/july-4-or-just-another-vampire-day.html
-- to find part 1.

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Sarah looked up as the next firework exploded into the night sky. It was beautiful – apart from the deafening noise. The streamers of light cascaded down in several colors, forming a brief-lived flower. She felt his movement as he leaned forward and smelled the chemical as he dropped it into her soda, but kept her attention ostentatiously focused on the fireworks.

Allowing him to drug and rape her hadn’t really been her plan, but she could work with the scenario. After all, it did put them someplace private, and a van or dungy backroom was less likely to be disturbed than under dark bushes or behind a tree. She’d always been one to go with the flow.

“Wow, that was beautiful,” she said as she allowed her face to light up as she looked at the “father” figure sitting next to her. “Do they do this every year?”

But any lying answer he would have made was drowned out by the next explosive boom. Sarah pretended surprise and nudged her drink cup, making it look like it might spill.

Wilton was very quick to steady the shaking cup while she looked up at another flower design.

“I love the flower ones,” she told him, as she looked back at him and picked up her cup and lifted it to her lips.

She heard his quick inhalation as he watched expectantly, so as she turned her head to watch the next display, she took a long drink. As always, in these scenarios, she was grateful that she could drink liquids. It made it so much easier to fit in and lead the predator on.

Turning back to him a bit later and putting her hand to her head, she told him, “I’m not feeling so hot.”

“Why don’t you just lie down for a moment? I’ll keep an eye out for your brother’s truck, it’s a red Chevy, right?” he offered, knowing there was unlikely to be a brother looking for her.

“I guess that would be alright,” she said faintly. And with his eager help Sarah lay down next to him on the blanket, and after allowing her eyes to glaze and then drift closed, she waited as impatiently for the fireworks to finish and the surrounding crowd to begin dispersing as Wilton was waiting. Neither could make their next move until then.

Finally the last explosion brightened the night sky, and the crowd began hurriedly gathering belongings and joining the lines to the exit.

“Is she alright?” Sarah heard a wavery concerned voice ask.

“My daughter was up all last night coming home from college,” Wilton answered affably.

“Do you need help getting her to your car?” a male voice offered.

“No, It’s a nice night, and might as well let her catch a few winks here as wake her and sit in line waiting to get out. Traffic. Thanks for the offer, though. Have a pleasant night.”

She heard the kind man shout to a friend as the couple walked away.

Pretty soon, all was quiet; even the men doing the fireworks display and checking for sparks left, and Wilton and she were all that remained.

She murmured softly and let herself go deadweight as she was rolled up in the blanket and slung her over his shoulder.  She opened her eyes and covertly checked to make certain that indeed no one was around.

After a fair bit of jouncing and a whole lot of having to put up with her legs and butt being felt up, Wilton reached his van. Sarah smiled to herself. She had been fairly sure he’d be driving a van. Any old man who roofied a young woman was going to drive a van. Some sort of rule.

Vampires ... and Birthdays?

Image copyright Sandra Ormandy 2012 All Rights Reserved

What do vampires say to each other on their birthdays? Happy birthday seems so utterly human?

Options seem to include:

Happy UnBirthday? But then I have the Mad Hatter's song from Alice in Wonderland running through my head where it is firmly mind-wormed. This sort of destroys and counters the whole idea of a vampire not aging after their human-death.

Happy Undeath-day?  While this does not make the Mad Hatter's song run through my head, it doesn't really answer either. I am, still, thoroughly human,  and thus each day I celebrate not having yet endured death.

Happy Turn-day? I have seen this used in various author created mythos, and in many ways it does meet the criteria,celebrating the day one turns from human to vampire through whatever process is necessary for that change to occur. And yet being a creative and odd sort of person, I hear my mother telling me that if I did something or other, my father would be rolling over (turning over) in his grave. I do not think that this is quite what my mother referenced (darn it!), but nonetheless, not quite what a celebration of another year of not meeting the sun, or meeting a stake, deserves.

So if any of you ghosts in the internet machine have better suggestions, I am open to discussion. What does one say to a vampire on his rebirth day?

Size Matters (Even for Vampires)

copyright 2012 Leslie Ormandy: All Rights Reserved

A few years ago now, my family and I spent an afternoon thinking of all the ways a vampire's experience might parallel a humans. We figured that if rumor states that the size of a man's hand mirrors the size of his sexual organ, then the size of a vampire's fangs would do the same. Hence, this advert I designed. I still see no reason to suspect that vampire corporate structure would not mirror our own. Sex...sells.

Dracula's Sexual Suggestions

Copyright Leslie Ormandy 2012; ALL rights reserved

July 4; OR Just another Vampire Day

July 4; OR Just another Vampire Day

Copyright Althea Infante 2011

copyright Leslie Ormandy 2011 ALL rights reserved

I thought I might share this since at this point, I have no plans for continuing it. It is going to appear in  segments through 4 July. I hope you enjoy it. 

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The explosion of sound filled the night sky with pops of light in a wonderful strobe effect. Sarah loved the explosion; it screened the sound of men’s screams. No need to find a sound-proof room or lure them to a deserted field in the middle of nowhere. She could kill them close to where they had hunted her when they thought her just a helpless runaway whom they could easily use and turn out. The advantage of never looking her age; looking sixteen and “innocent” forever.

The Greyhound pulled into the downtown terminal at 10:00 PM. It was late, but that was actually alright with her since it meant she easily blended in with the riders bustling around waiting for the driver to unload their bags. She waited until the passengers began moving toward the exit with their waiting friends and families, waited until the bus driver slammed the baggage hatch closed before she moved into a patch of streetlight and let the light pick her out. She looked lost and helpless and friendless in her really distressed jeans, too tight Goth inspired tee, tatty graying hooded cardigan, and heavy duty goth makeup.

Sarah had him picked out long before he came up to her. She was bait. After all the long years, she knew how to catch her meal.

“Are you waiting for someone?” He had asked as he appeared out of the darkness over by the car park. He’d also been waiting for the driver to leave so he could see if there was any fresh meat washing up that night.

“My brother is supposed to be picking me up,” she told him, making it obvious though her expression and body language that she was lying as she pulled her threadbare sweater tighter around her shoulder so that her breasts stood out. She needed to set the hook well, make it clear that she was hungry.

“This isn’t a safe place for a young lady to wait alone. Can I buy you a soda or something at the picnic across the way while you wait? You should be able to see him from there. We won’t go far.” Wilton knew it was safe to offer; in this crowd, who would remember him, and no one would tip that he wasn’t from this town.

She put her most trusting face on as she agreed, nervously twisting the escaping strand of hair, “I guess that would be all right.”

“I’m Wilton Courtney,” he informed her, slipping his arm around her shoulder to lead her across to the field. “My daughter was supposed to be arriving home from college on that bus, but I guess she’s been delayed.”

“I’m Sarah,” and Sarah hesitated just the right length of time to indicate she was making up the last name, “Hart.”

 Wilton kept up a line of friendly patter as he bought her the promised soda and a hotdog. He wanted to appear friendly, but fatherly, to keep her on the hook. He was practically salivating as he looked obliquely at her slim body displayed in the goth clothing. It wouldn’t do to let her slip the hook. It had been two months since he’d found a suitable runaway to play with.

“My blanket is set over there,” he told her, gesturing over to the far corner of the field. “You can still see the bus station, but you can watch the fireworks also.”

Sarah let the line of patter wash over her as she let him lead her to his blanket. She let him see nervousness as she sat down on the blanket pulling her knees up to her chest and balancing the plate atop them. She checked the now vacant bus station, the people around her who barely noted the arrival of the two strangers in their midst, and the preparations for the next burst of fireworks to be sure no one was watching.

She took a bite of the hotdog, then turned her head and spat it out into her crumpled napkin – just like she done with broccoli as a child, then pretended to take a sip from her soda cup.

He watched her with hidden interest, waiting for her to turn away long enough for him to slip the roffie into her soda. Then he would sit though the rest of the firework display and carry his sleeping “daughter” to the waiting van. From there, he would driver her to his warehouse where he could have some fun with her before selling her overseas thoroughly broken in. 

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More of this story will appear throughout the month.